Mr. Heckles Reviews Knott’s Scary Farm



Written by Jeremiah Heckles

Follow him on Twitter at @MrJHeckles

After an invite from some mighty strange fellers, I decided I see what was what down in the good town of Calico. According ta these boys, some event was goin’ on called Knott’s Scary Farm. I reckoned that terrible witch was up ta no good again. These fellers seemed kind, so I decided I should take a lookin’ for myself and tell ‘em what’s what.

Well, let me tell ya. What’s what is a whole host of strange creatures the likes of which I’ve never seen. Why, my poor Calico was filled ta the brim with Samurai, frozen dead walking, werewolves, and most scary of all, that guy tryin’ ta be president… the one with the yellow hair. We was only ta get a small taste of everything too, as the fellers said I may be able ta dig up a skeleton key in my Mine for more curses ta happen upon.
As so the missus and I decided to make an adventure of it. First place we looked was a quiet stretch of nothing way on the outskirts of town. I figured we was in the wrong spot, as them boys that we came upon didn’t quite look like they was from around here. In fact, unless my eyes are still playing tricks on me, they looked ta be like the ole Japanese Samurai from them Far East legends.
Well, them boys called ta us so sweetly, luring us inta a trap that had surely been set, for above the gate was a marked a name… Shadowlands. We sprung them’s trap alright, but wasn’t quite what we was expecting. You see, when you enter that first chamber, some poor soul gits his head chopped off. That was enough for any man ta see this was bad news, and so the missus and I went runnin’ ta try and escape that mad man. Unlucky for us, we was only bein’ drawn deeper inta the place.

With my mighty pickaxe, I was lucky ta cut my way through and make my way ta the exit with my head still there. Some other folks weren’t so lucky. In fact, in one area, a whole heap of souls was being sliced and diced by that cursed Swordsman. It ain’t like nothin’ I ever seen before. Havin’ takin’ some time to breathe, I reckon that place weren’t so bad. Them fellers was doing a fine job tryin’ ta send souls ta the Shadowlands. And it was mighty purty. Like seein’ pictures of what the ole Far East was like, if they was covered in blood.

Thinkin’ we was ok, we happened onta a freezed over buildin’. Something about dead queens and some Windigo legend. I was mighty nervous ta travel ta such a cold place. But the missus got a might bit more adventurous and started off inta that buildin’. It didn’t take long ta see somethin’ odd takin’ place. All thems good towns folk was dead walking. And it felt like the Dead of Winter within. We was in and out of that buildin’ real quick, havin’ noticed we was so far from Calico. Some of the not so dead towns folk was even kind enough to give us directions back. They was saying such strange things as this place was a whole heap more interestin’ this time around. Whatever that means…

Makin’ our way back inta town, we happened upon a gatherin’ of townsfolk that was lookin’ ta hang a feller or two. I was a might bit sad ta not see that darn witch among the victims. But this still weren’t no regular hanging. They wasn’t hanging so many people as dancin’ around, givin’ each other and good lickin’. Mind you, a few of them folks did end up dead, be it bullets or knives. Even had them president candidates I been hearin’ so much about. All this did end with a mighty big hanging of sorts. But I was told ta keep my trap shut on who it is they hanged.
After that little break, we head way up ta the front of the park, ta where it seemed a whole bit of trouble was happenin’. Out of the streets, they was sliding and spooking to the beat of they own heart. But what really tickled me what was lurking in the shadow of the mighty ghost train, Ghostrider. They was more places like what we had just escaped, only holdin’ the likes of that terrible green witch, a voodoo witch doctor, some run of the mill ghosts and spirits, and the Tooth Fairy. Most strange.
We reckoned ta start at the place marked by the Voodoo, as only a few townsfolk was goin’ there, as apposed ta them other places. And havin’ gone through such a strange place, I know why them folks was letting the Bayou pass them by. It was a might out of sorts. We wasn’t too spooked by them from New Orleans. We was mighty impressed ta be wanderin’ an honest-ta-god swamp, but that was the only thing really keeping this whole place interestin’.
As we was just lookin’ around, to git ready for the big adventure the next week over, we passed by Trick ‘r Treat, Paranormal Inc, and the Tooth Fairy, figuring we would be back with a Skeleton Key in hand ta face them’s spooks.
‘Fore we decided enough was enough, we stumbled inta an area that almost felt like home. The folks looked right nice. Well, maybe not nice like friendly, but at least nice like common, seeing as they was dressed ta be from the town of Calico herself. Which ever way it were, we came up on them ta ask as ta what was going on. They didn’t answer so kindly, instead pullin’ their guns on us and sending us down boothill to a fresh dug grave. This was no regular grave, as a Gunslinger’s Grave is said ta never quite settle inta it’s hole, always shaking a bit from it’s unrighteous soul. Lookin’ round, this gunslinger musta been extra nasty, as them boys were changing right ‘fore my eyes, making themselves seem more animal than man.

We hightailed it out of that place and decided we would dig around for this Skeleton Key in the Mine ta return the next week over. We already had spent some good gold on one of them Haunt passes that let ya wander the cursed streets of Calico for the whole month of October. If you reckon you’re brave enough for this event, the fog comes down on the town every weekend (Thursday-Sunday) now through the weekend of All Hallow’s Eve, even staying open special for that last Monday, the 31st.

Go git yer tickets now. I’ll see ya in the fog.